Getting on with it

Hat dummy, completed:

The flatness of the facial contours in stark white weren’t really doing it for me, so I attacked it with a ballpoint pen. The crosshatching kind of works, in an Edward Gorey illustration sort of way.

I feel like I’ve been swimming upstream lately.

The biggest barrier to my doing anything creative is the fact that I listen too much to what other people think. I come from a family of doctors and scientists, so naturally relatives and acquaintances assume I am going to get my M.D. or Ph.D. like a “normal” person with my educational background. I’m used to keeping my head down at work and in family life and answering vaguely whenever someone asks if I want to go to grad/med school: “Oh, I’m just working until I figure out if I want to go to grad school or not.” It was either that, or answer truthfully and watch the other person not “get it.”

Going back to school to study fashion design brought a lot of that back up. And at some point two weeks ago, I let all the guilt and negativity and wrong assumptions of the past get the best of me. Not good.

So with the help of friends and coworkers and criminal amounts of chocolate, I swam through that river of awfulness and emerged feeling better, but also more aware of my vulnerability.

Yesterday I remembered this quote, which I’ve been meaning to post on my studio wall:

If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.

–Vincent Van Gogh

I’ve been listening to the voice too much. I’ve resolved to just start making things, the way I used to do, before I became so paralyzed by fear of failure and non-acceptance.

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